My "interest" in "Pinterest"...

I was recently introduced to Pinterest by several friends.  For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last year or so and don't know what Pinterest is, here is the website: www.pinterest.com.  It's basically a site where people can pull together, images, recipes and other favorites from the web and have them all in a nice, neat package.  Now, back to being introduced...  When I say introduced, I'm referring to the type of introduction you had in high school to cigarettes or some other addicting substance.  Thanks a lot girls, I am now addicted to this website like it's crack.  Check me into rehab, because I am out of control.  I look like Nick Nolte in his famous mug shot right now as I sit on my couch and wait for my kids to get home from school.  Unless, I have somewhere to go where other people are counting on me, I am home "cleaning" and "cooking", oh yeah and "organizing" via Pinterest.  I have remodeled and redecorated my entire house (in my head).  I have found 173 gluten-free recipes to make and 341 crafts that I will be doing with my kids.  In fact, I have found so many things for my children that they will be crafting/creating with me until they go away to college.  I have quotes galore, I could probably wallpaper my house with quotes...funny quotes, family quotes, quotes about my kids, inspirational quotes and "make you think" quotes.  I have so many DIY projects for my husband to help me with that he started actually going to the gym.  He would rather have a brutal workout then come home and help me build a riser for our washer and dryer, imagine that?

I guess my question is, "What in the hell do I do with all this information?  I'm on overload.  I'm following people, people are following me...I'm starting to get paranoid.  Do you pick one thing a day and gradually chop away at it until it's done and then post "YOU DID IT!" or is it more of a private moment where you're just proud of yourself? 

Anyway, I figure that I'm going to have to start setting a timer to limit the amount of my day/life I spend on Pinterest.  It used to be "just during my coffee" I would browse around at friend's pins, but I can drag coffee out until at least 2 p.m.  I'm sure most people reading this are probably questioning how you can literally p*** your day away on a website?  Trust me, it can be done, when you're least expecting it....you look up suddenly, see the clock and it's time for your kids to get off the bus and you have been "pinning" the day away.

All I can say is Damn you Pinterest!  Damn you!  Now, I'm off to find a hat to cover my Nick Nolte hair and meet my kids at the bus stop.  When they ask me how my day was, I can say "Well kids, I had good intentions......"

When a spray tan goes wrong.......

You know when you think you have a REALLY good idea and then something in the plan foils and you think afterward, what exactly was going through my head?  Well, I recently did this very thing and had to "live" with the consequences....I mean "try and party" with the consequences......

My friend and I, let's call her "Nicole" were hanging out for the day as it was MY job to keep her out of the house for the day while our other friends and her family got ready for her surprise 40th birthday party.  We had a great lunch, talked and laughed as we usually do.  Then, as we were leaving lunch and headed back to our "destination" that we were going to spend the rest of the day at, we got this super cool idea!  Spray tan!!!!  ("Yay!  We'll look like we have a nice 'glow', it will be awesome, we'll feel so much better about ourselves, blah, blah, blah.....")

Now, I am probably THE whitest person you will ever meet, seriously, not kidding...  Some claim my skin actually turns a light shade of green in the winter due to my Irish descent.  Nicole on the other hand has some Spanish in her family tree, making her skin a little more olive, even when we are deathly pale in the good ol' Northeast winter.

So, we make a few calls and decide to go to our small, little downtown shop (population in our town in so low that you can actually play "6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon" on a daily basis and then you realize you're married to your best friend's neighbor's cousin, or something like that.)  I'm not saying that our little town doesn't have wonderful things to offer and great small businesses, I just think when you decide to make a "cosmetic" change, do some research first.  I mean, when I finally go and get my first liposuction, I'm not going to ask someone in the pizza shop to do it....right?

So, Nicole and I get an appointment immediately (this should have been our first warning sign) and we drive on over.  We wait for our "spray tanning consultant" to arrive, meanwhile we are both silently questioning whether we should be doing this on the DAY of the party, but we proceed anyway.  Our judgement was clearly clouded and I think we were already drunk or something because we both proceeded into the "booth" and stripped down like someone was offering us a fistful of $1 dollar bills.

Now, my second concern should have been when the "consultant" said to me, "I think you'll be able to handle 2 coats, but you're just really, really 'fair'....."  I should have stopped her right there and said "Excuse me please, but when you say "handle" what exactly are you referring to?"  But no, again I was thinking of sun bronzed skin + really cute outfit = great start to a party, right?

I emerged from the booth ecstatic and then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while "Nicole" was rolling around on the couch like she was having a seizure.  I was horrified....there stood and girl with the face of a pumpkin, nothing bronzed about it...  Right then, I should have put a candle in my mouth and ran around town yelling "Trick or Treat"!

We got into the car, I was almost in tears (I say almost because our "consultant" yelled after us; "No water on your faces girls, or your hands, or anywhere on your body for at least 24 hours, you'll STREAK!!!!"  Well, thank you for telling me that BEFORE the spray tan!  Does this woman not know I'm Type A, bordering on OCD?  I wash my hands at least 100+ a day!!!  So, I couldn't cry, I tried to tell my friend I could not attend her party, but obviously that was not an option, so we drove home, laughing (kind of) and trying to keep our arms up in the air as our armpits were starting to stick together......

I'll skip to the party and tell you the moral of this story as I'm sure now you get the picture....

First, the moral of the story:  DON'T GET A SPRAY TAN ON THE DAY OF YOUR EVENT, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE MAGDA FROM "SOMETHING ABOUT MARY"....If you don't believe me, try it, then I can say, "I told you so...."

So, my "friend" Nicole is the one who coined my nickname for the night "Magda".... I also received some wonderful other comments:

From the bartender (also, a supposed "friend"): "Do you want an orange drink to go with that orange?"
From some really funny "friends":  "Ya mon, how was Jamaica mon?"
From another "friend":  "You could pass for an Oompa Loompa, but a cuter version"  Gee, thanks.....
From some nicer patrons: "Wow, did you go away this week?"
From my friend "S" who never says an unkind word: "Don't listen to anyone here, you have a nice healthy glow..."
From my babysitter to her mother after I got home and she saw me: "Why is she orange?"

So, you see, nothing good comes from a spray tan.  At least a spray tan you get on the day of, and you haven't exfoliated and done any research or asked people for some referrals.

The funniest part about it?  I'm not a spontaneous person.  I have a planner that is all planned out until 2014.  I sleep with under my pillow for God's sake as it one of my prized possessions, besides my family of course.

So, I guess I all I can say about this weekend is that my "inner and outer" Magda came to life.  I should have been carrying around a white nasty dog in a body cast and had a cigarette dangling from my lips, but alas, all I had was the orange body.

So, let this be a lesson to everyone reading this......unless you want to be DAMN sure everyone will remember YOU at a certain event....even years later...




{Photo credit: "There's Something About Mary", used without permission from Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation}

Wasting Time 101

I'm starting a homeschool class titled 'Wasting Time 101" for anyone interested.  Although, I suspect in these parts, no one would show up (without a bag over their head so they couldn't be identified).  Time wasting is not something most people admit to.....it can be embarrassing, especially when you're a stay at home mom and you admit to not dusting, de-crusting, or whatever the hell it is we are exactly supposed to be doing on a daily basis.

I'm actually giving myself a "Get Out of Jail Free" card this week as I am sick and I have been a taxi cab service for the past few days.  "Living Out of Your Car 101" will be my next post, so more on that later....

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I have very "active" Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest accounts, to name a few.  Am I ashamed?  A little......  Facebook is really for my babysitters to communicate to each other on whether or not the captain of the football team is asking them to prom or who they're hangin' with at the moment, Twitter is for people who love hashmarks and bigger causes than my own (see Girl Scout Cookies & Band Raffles) and Pinterest is for visionaries, dreamers and people who can actually make it happen, which I never will, I just like to look like I have all these plans but in reality I'm watching "16 and Pregnant" or "Toddlers & Tiaras" while I "Pin".........

I actually am jealous of all the moms I know who have these amazingly clean and organized homes, who can cook a decent meal at night and it's ready to go when everyone's hungry and who can put a "To Do" list together and actually shower, get dressed, get in their car and execute every day (see? that just tires me out typing that much...)

What I think I need to do is take a "technology break" (this scares me just thinking about it), but it really is necessary.  Just this morning my 4 year old came up to me wanting me to tie ribbons up and down his arms as he was so bored because I was busy having a mock political debate on Facebook, something I'm not very good at and don't really like to get involved in.  So, I probably should have closed up the ol' MacBook and starting the ribbon tying instead of saying to him, "Keep trying, you're getting really good at doing that yourself!"

I found a good article titled "8 Simple Ways To Take A Technology Break" and I think I'm going to read it and I think I'm going to try it for at least 24 hours.......(note: "think" being the key word here)

Perhaps then, my poor husband can come home and not eat out of a can or the freezer and my kids will actually start growing properly because I've provided them a nutritious meal.  Maybe we will stop rooting through the dirty clothes basket because mom forgot to wash the uniform AGAIN!  Clothes will be laid out the night before, breakfast will be on the table and we will saunter out to the bus stop rather than sprint full speed to the car with clothes half on.  The dry cleaning will be hung in the closet, shelves will be labeled, and I will knit dog booties for my Lab so her feet don't get too cold in the snow......

So "I'm going black" (2 days late but it still counts in my head) and I'm referring to technology here for all you smart asses out there.....

(Hmm....wonder if anyone has a board on Pinterest dedicated to this....?)

{Photo credit to Dumb Little Man's Article "8 Simple Ways To Take A Technology Break"}

This Ain't the Love Boat Baby.......

OK.....so here we are, halfway through summer, and I am really exhausted. I am DONE.....stick a fork in me, I am completely fried.

You see, I have been playing the role of Julie McCoy all summer. I have planned beach days, pool play dates, picnics in the park, water slide days at home, movie sleepovers, you name it, I have done it.

Before I was a mom, I never understood why my own mom was so excited to see us go back to school in September (nothing against you Mom, if you're reading this.....) but, she was so thrilled to take us school supply shopping and send us out to the bus stop on the first day of school (now the martini in her hand makes sense....). I think it was because she was truly delirious.....seriously, now that I'm a mom of 3, I can truly relate.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind taking on this role, there are perks to summer vacation - sleeping in (although lately, my 2 year old thinks that 4:30 a.m. is sleeping in...) and the lack of a true schedule are wonderful, but, I have unfortunately raised kids who expect me to constantly entertain them. "Mom, what are we doing today?" "Mom, what are we doing tomorrow?" "Mom, did you know Johnny's mom is a lot more fun than you?"

When I announced to my kids that today was "Let You Kids Watch Endless Amounts Of TV" Day (while their brains slowly oozed out of their ears, seriously, look closely, after a few episodes of SpongeBob you can actually see their brains melting), they complained a little, until I threw in some popcorn and some old Halloween lollipops, then they were happy as little Ipswich clams....

So, I ask you, what would Julie McCoy do now? I'll tell you what she would do.....she would pull up a bar stool and tell Isaac to make her something really strong and ask Gopher to watch the kids in the pool for a while..

Julie and I just need a little break. We need to get some sleep, have a few cocktails and regroup......after all, there are only 50 more days of summer vacation left, we can do this....right?

I think I need a push.....

....make that a SHOVE in the right direction.

These posts always seem to occur after a night out at my favorite margarita joint. I wake up the next morning an hour late...which makes my kids late...which make my husband late and then comes around back to me and makes me even later.

I found myself this morning, waking up after 12 presses of the snooze button, VERY late. I was out last night "celebrating" with some girlfriends, and then a few margaritas later and a bad tinga chicken hangover, I find myself running to the car in my husbands giant slippers and roaring down the street while my neighbor gives me the "slow "down" sign (you know the waving that's vertical, rather than horizontal? I know how to slow down Mrs. X, thank you very much! Cripes!)

Anyway, after I turn around and change my shoes and adjust the shirt I am wearing which over night seems to have become a belly shirt (?)...I get back into my car. I smell tequila, not sure why, then I remember trying to "share" a "last" drink with someone the previous evening and most of it went into my jeans and shoe, which I'm still wearing (have I mentioned before that I am a CLASS act....?)

I go to volunteer at the school, notice how shiny my hair is in the mirror as I back out of my driveway, wait, that's grease.....hopefully, I won't see anyone I know at school......oh wait, my lucky day - it's FIRE DRILL day - I walk through the school as everyone, parent volunteers, teachers, and kids pour out of their classrooms and here I am, standing on the middle of it, with my alcohol soaked jeans, my rad hair and my belly shirt.......&^*#$@%&*^$!

The nice thing about me I guess, is that I am pretty unpredictable, I used to be very predictable before kids......I made my bed every morning, my pillows were all lined up, my dishes were done - I guess you could say I was rather boring. At least now, you never know if I have clean or dirty clothes on, if I'm showered or un-showered, or if I am still drunk. (Just kidding, I would never go to school drunk, unless I decide to enroll in some more college classes.)

Being the "unorganized, fly by the seat of your pants" kind of mom that I am, I sat in my son's school parking lot and arranged his birthday favors in the car, I set up an assembly line and 20 twisty ties later, I had some great goodie bags. Now, wouldn't that have been easier to do the night before? Maybe I could have bought his gifts before his actual birthday too.....no, that would have been WAY too much planning on my part. The only planning I seem to be able to do lately is when I am going to nap and when I have to stop wearing something before people say, 'Didn't she have that on the last 3 times I saw her?"

My answer to that? "probably".......

Knees are scraped.....but I'll get back up....again......

So, the last few months have been tough for me, for a variety of reason, none of which I will go into right now as either (a) they will bore you to tears (b) things could be worse (c) I have no ability to make a long story "short" or (d) none/all of the above.....

I guess I feel like every few days, my legs get kicked out from under me and I am down on the ground......then, I am back to that place where I can remember sitting up on my kitchen counter after I had fallen off my bike...my knees were scraped (I'm crying - big surprise) and my mom was spraying Bactine on them (while gently blowing on them as well to help ease the sting).......then I snap back into reality and realize, I'm the Mom now and no one is going to hoist me up on the counter and tell me it's going to be all right and ask me if I want a warm chocolate chip cookie.....

This winter totally "stank" - yep that's right - IT STANK! If you ask most New Englanders they will tell you it was a "mild one", "it wasn't that cold" or "the snow wasn't that bad".....well, all I remember are months of me and My Snuggie becoming BFF's and counting down the weeks until I was in a warmer place. I also am dealing with health issues for the first time in my life that I thought only "other people" got......it's scary...I keep telling myself I am "too young" or my kids are "too little" but that still doesn't change things.....

I am also dealing with some personal issues that everyone faces from time to time (mostly remember these particular issues occuring in Junior High, but, oh well....) which makes things harder.

Anyway, if I was reading a good motivational book right now, I'm sure Chapter One would be titled "Get Up, Dust Yourself Off, Stop Whining, and Deal With It"....so, I will.....just not sure where to start......

For now, I think I sit her in the dark with my parents cat (who makes me sneeze and cries incessantly), and make a plan, because if I sit here and feel sorry for myself, nothing will change...I'll wake up tomorrow and it will just be one more day I haven't dealt with the things I need to address.

I started this blog as a joke or to be funny (even if it was only for my own therapy) but I have found writing is something that is indeed, very therapeutic.....so I will most likely keep documenting my "trudge" uphill........and you jump on my back and come along for the ride if you'd like......

Don't even spell it....!

That's what I have been saying to my kids lately, now that they are older and I can proudly say they are learning to "spell" bad words........but bad words in my house include more than the traditional street list.....you know the ones I mean. We also have included "shut up" on our list along with the "i" word (idiot) and the "j" word (jerk)...I actually think I could write an alphabet book for my kids on what words they CAN'T say......

So anyway, I can't stand this word (shut up) when it is used to quiet another person...unless I'm watching "Knots Landing" reruns and Crystal and Alexis get in a slapping fight afterward....

It also isn't a bad word when you use it to cleverly name your new blog (just my opinion).....and so here it is....a blog that might interest many of you...fashion tips, where to score a deal...and maybe a little teaser of "did you know.....?"

http://hesaidshutup.blogspot.com/

Check it out........

Just not funny anymore.....

So, I haven't posted in a long time....I guess I have had nothing to write about that could seem humorous to others? (Besides the fact that my neighbor caught me in my robe this morning for the 5th day in a row?)

Other than that, I just don't have the "material" I felt I once had...I think I have settled into a somewhat normal pattern like all the other families in my town.......too many sports, activities, commitments for each child - CHECK! feeling like the bus driver, the maid, the short order cook - CHECK! and...not to be left out - swine flu - CHECK! (This is where I wish I was writing....."Being whisked away for a week in the Caribbean - PRICELESS")

Anyway, I found this great website through an awesome mom blog that I found last night and I wanted to share it......yep, that's what I do now, I read blogs about being a stay at home mom, blogs on raising kids that will hopefully be stable adults and blogger tips on being the most frugal mom on the planet......I know, I should slow down, people will NOT be able to keep up with me...

So, this website gives you the ability to download your favorite photo and make it into a FREE 8 x 10 canvas, that's right - it is absolutely free - minus the shipping, but who cares - the canvas is free! Yay! These are the things that make the Stay at Home Moms run around the house with a toilet brush in one hand and a mop in the other exclaiming "I'M WORTH IT!!!!!!!!"

http://www.canvaspeople.com/

Props to http://www.moneysavingmom.com/ for finding this awesome deal and for having a great blog!

Wrinkles & Roots....

So, I'm not sure if I should hug my sister or slap her....I mean, if I slap her, it will be in a "sisterly love" kind of way...

She just got a new computer and she has these really cool features on it...I'm not going to go into detail here....if you want more on these features, tune into any Primetime show and wait for the commercial that starts out "Hi, I'm a Mac...Hi, I'm a PC"....

Anyway, she was just making some fun videos of the kids (which they loved...especially the "chipmunk" voice feature) and then off to bed they went, without a hitch, just brushed their teeth, tucked themselves in and they were off to Dreamland.....(nah, not really, but let's pretend it happened that way...)

My sister, being the extremely hilarious person that she is, decided it would be really funny to leave the camera running (kind of like a Big Brother/Supernanny episode) and captured some really stimulating video of my husband and I fighting over the correct way to do our child's homework and me carrying a bunch of dirty laundry around the house while complaining that all I do are dishes and laundry all day...it was thrilling. If anyone would like to see it, just send me an email.....it will also be on YouTube momentarily....

I guess the whole point of this is that two things happened here tonight..the first is that I came up with the title for my new book 'Wrinkles & Roots" and second, I verified one of my biggest fears: YES, I LOOK OLDER. YES, THIS LAST BIRTHDAY HURT A LITTLE...ACTUALLY QUITE A LOT. YES, I WOULD GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL OR COLLEGE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY.

I remember the days where I could just throw on a baseball hat with no makeup and go out to breakfast and I still looked just as good as I did the night before (well, at least I thought that). These days, if I leave the house with a baseball hat on and no makeup I am usually greeted with "What's wrong?", "Are you sick?" or "Have you given up totally?"

I guess, part of getting older, having another birthday and feeling like you just completed your millionth load of laundry is that sometimes you don't feel too glamorous. Sometimes, you wonder why you have more wrinkles (let's call them laugh lines - it sounds "prettier"), dark roots (my daughter always asks me why I have so many different colors in my hair) and a few extra lbs. on the ol' frame. Do I embrace it? Do I scream? Or do I relocate to SoCal and get my lips plumped and my thighs sucked out?

I guess I'm not sure of the answer to this one. When I do decide to finally pen my memoir, 'Wrinkles & Roots", please be sure to all buy a copy and I might let you slap my sister for free.

Rockin' Out in the Mumu......

So, it's Friday....and 2 out of my 3 kids are at home with me today. There is a possibility of rain in the forecast which means for me that I hide out in the house all day and when my 5 & 1 year old sons start to jump off the furniture for entertainment...I act surprised.

I decided that today is a perfect "mumu" day. If I had a mumu I would rock it out today..I might add a necklace or some fuzzy slippers to make it a little more appealing but I would be wearing it all day. Am I embarrassed that someone might come to my door and find me in this get up? Not at all.....

As a good old friend once said to me (a few months back), when I "acted" embarrassed that he had "caught me" unshowered that day and still in my pajamas at 4:00 p.m., "Don't worry Meagan, I have known you a long time and I have seen you look a lot worse." Well, thank you kind friend, I think........

I guess I just have a problem with trying to fit my mom butt & cankles in to some overpriced Juicy sweatsuit only to have all the fun "surprises" that I find on a daily basis ruin my $200 terry cloth number in one fell swoop.....

For example, I just opened my freezer this morning and encountered one of my child's "experiments" (as she lovingly refers to them). Within seconds of opening the door, I met an avalanche of "heart shaped half frozen ice cubes made out of yogurt, water and some other liquid" that apparently hadn't froze all of the way yet. I guess that's my bad. I probably should just stay out of there and hope for the best.

Example #2 would be when my youngest son likes to use me as his "human tissue". I don't think I have to go into much detail here. Apparently, if you don't have a tissue handy...I'm your go-to-girl. He especially likes to come up to me and spit out anything that he has put in his mouth and then deems unsuitable for his palette.

Another reason why a mumu would be perfect for me is because of some of the scarier "items" I come across in my house from time to time. Obviously, if I had a cleaning person, I wouldn't be subjected to these things, but my husband wasn't swayed by this argument so here I am.

Yesterday I was walking past the doorway and thought we had adopted some sort of new furry creature, which wouldn't be that weird around here as we are animal lovers. Just last month I came home to find some frogs and a snail on my kitchen counter with a note that said "Dear Meag, Here are the perfect pets for the kids! Love, Mom" Thanks Mom......I'll be sure to repay the favor at a later date........Anyway, back to the furry creature......it turned out that it was not in fact alive, just a ball that had been created, much like the tumbleweeds you see in the desert. The recipe? Some dog hair, a daughter that brushes her locks more than Marcia Brady and construction at your neighbor's house, and you have a perfect and unique dust bunny. If I was wearing the mumu when I found that little gem, I could have begun my spring cleaning (so what that it's fall....some of us have been busy, OK?). So, instead of cleaning, I threw some water on "it" to see if it would multiply and when that didn't work I set him up with the frogs and the snail, they seemed lonely.

So, if anyone knows where I can get a mumu (please don't tell me to go to some smelly army/navy story...I can't take those places), let me know. Until then, I'll just keep avoiding doing all the things a "housewife" should be doing during the day, because after all, you need the proper clothes to do your job well and I obviously need to go shopping. Maybe I'll open up a mumu store......I think more people would wear them if they were readily available.....don't you? And thank you Mrs. Roper (and her stylist), I never knew that all those years that I invested into Three's Company would come back to help me at some point later on in life...

Oh, the lazy days of summer......

It's official, Julie McCoy has left the building......she up and packed her bags, got a drink with Gopher and took the first train out of here........all that's left after this whirl wind of a summer is an exhausted, pickled liver attached to a slightly heavier & squishier version of me. It's not that I didn't have a fun summer, I did. It's not that there weren't plenty of vacations, pool days, beach trips and whatnot.....I am just done. I am done being the cruise director....the go-to-girl for your day's itinerary. I want the teachers, the instructors and the coaches back. I want other adults to be responsible for my kids, their activities & their daily needs (well at least from about 8 - 3).

I have run out of ideas for sunny days, I am fresh out of creative thoughts during rainy days and for those days that are in between, I find myself encouraging multiple hours of TV and inappropriate movies (only PG of course) for my children to watch.

Today is a prime example of what I am talking about...it was about 100 degrees out and the kids and I had enough sun from the last few days that we just needed a break. We are 110% Irish and I don't think my son has any room left on his nose for another freckle and my husband keeps telling me that my neck/chest region is starting to look like Magda's (please refer to "Something About Mary" for details....) So......we were trapped inside and I was completely at a loss. I decided that I was going to arrange "playdates" for my older kids and then the rest of the day they would have to be creative on their own....thus, the Ginley Ghetto Games were born......Triple G's for short......

GGG#1:

Give your kids a box of markers (preferably the "washable" kind but we all know that is false advertising...shame on you Crayola...) When you come upstairs after folding 50 lbs. of laundry and you see that your son's body looks like and episode of L.A. Ink, you can thank your daughter. When she then exclaims that she is "not going back to school and is moving to Venice and opening a tattoo parlor" you can only blame yourself.

GGG #2:

Use the rain water that has collected in your $9 plastic pool and tell your kids to take a dip to cool off. Never mind those floating bug bodies or the mosquito larvae, as my dad used to say, "It puts hair on your chest!" Now, if your kids tell you the water is too hot, throw a box of freezer burned Popsicles in the water to cool it down. If they act bored or complain tell them enthusiastically it is time to "bob for Popsicles" or act like the multi-colored water is really fascinating.

GGG #3:

People who have been to my house can attest to the fun of this game as it "kills two birds with one stone"......If you have one of those inflatable water slides blow it up and get the water going. Fill the bottom part (a.k.a. the pool) with shampoo or body wash (tear free is best but if you are out just throw some Salon Selectives in there and tell them to keep their eyes shut tight) - See! Now the kids are having fun and you don't have to worry about bath time tonight.......

I tend to find that doing two things at once is really very economical and a huge time saver (i.e. using the sprinkler to water the lawn and also having the kids run through it to get sand off their bodies, I'm also a huge fan of eating outside and finishing it off with something sticky so then I have an excuse to hose them off and I don't look like the crazy mom my neighbors have made me out to be.......)

So, you see, my kids are better off back in school, where they belong. It is starting to get dangerous around here and it's only a matter of time before someone picks up the phone and calls some government agency on me. Let's get back to the schedules, back to the grind, back to a time where I can nap quietly and no one is prying my eyelids open "claiming" there is some sort of "emergency".......

Better Late Than Never......?

I just decided to take a break from writing my son's "thank you" notes from his birthday...my hand was cramping up and I was running out of creative adjectives........

Before you all start thinking about how amazing I am for fitting this into my jam packed schedule of summer activities....consider this.....my son's birthday was back in April.....and his party was in the beginning of May.....that's right folks - it has taken me 3 months to write up the thank you's and start getting them into the mail! I guess I got confused along the way and thought that you had a year to thank people after occasions - or is that just for weddings? Or is that just for "giving" a gift to the happily married couple? Are there rules for how long is TOO long? Would you rather receive a thank you note in the mail really, really late or really, really never?

In my defense (sort of) I lost the "thank you" list as I had written it down in a really poor place (on the back of a well-intentioned "What's for Dinner This Week" notepad) and it was misplaced for a while. Every few nights, after the kids were asleep, I would shuffle some papers around and try and locate it, but to no avail. To comfort myself, I would make myself a cocktail and as I sipped it through my fancy straw and twirled my cute little drink umbrella, I would think up a new strategy.

The bigger issue is that I seem to have this problem all the time. I continually find myself being late on sending pretty much everything to where it is supposed to be....

- School papers & permission slips....bad when the teacher has to email you repeatedly.

- Subscription renewals & birthday cards......I always seem to at least "buy' the cards on time, it's just the sending that's hard for me......

- RSVP's & "Will you be having the chicken or fish?" cards....I can't tell you how many calls I have received from "Bridezilla" or her mom......

- Signing the kids up for dance class or Sunday school....bless me Father for I have sinned (again..)

- Following up on mostly everything in life.....priceless?

I'm not sure when this happened exactly - I think that with the birth of each child it just got gradually worse. Not that it's their fault or anything like that.....I guess I just find myself spending my time differently now and my free time (when I should be writing thank you notes etc. is spent rejuvenating my body with a cold beverage...or two.....or three.......)

I feel really terrible that people obviously think I am ungrateful for their gifts, their time and/or their generosity - the truth is that I AM grateful but I am unable to put that into words, place it in an envelope and lick a stamp (too many steps....they have got to come up with something easier than this). Something that, in theory, should only take a few minutes seems like such a daunting task, one that is pushed to "tomorrow" and then, the next thing you know, it is months later and most people forgot they even gave your child something for their birthday (or they think you are a big jackass.....one of the two....)

Perhaps, I should think about having another baby because then everyone in town would refer to me as the "crazy mom with four kids, who never thanks people for anything and really should be put in a padded cell" - THEN maybe people wouldn't expect anything from me....hmmm.....maybe I'll give this idea some more thought.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll treat myself to a nice beverage and mull this one over........and then get back to trying to thank people the proper way (my mom would be so proud)......

Nobody puts Baby in the corner...

As a family, we have had our share of "doozies" when it comes to vacations....I think it's normal for all families to have one or two "interesting" things happen during a trip, but it seems like my family tends to have more "Griswold-like" experiences than most......

Our most recent trip started out last week in beautiful Lake George, NY. I couldn't wait to get out of my house and get away from mostly everything for two weeks. We had the rental house lined up for a few months as my dad had generously secured it for my entire family to use and we couldn't wait to get there. We showed up at our rented house after four hours of driving (which felt more like 12 hours with two kids asking you if "you were there yet" since you left your driveway and one kid not napping but screeching "bye bye" continuously....).

The rental house was basically the one that inspired the screenplay for "The Money Pit" & possibly "Psycho" as well - it was practically falling into the lake and when we asked the owner where the "sandy beach for the kids" was? His reply, "I didn't say there was a 'sandy beach', I said there was sand in the water and it was kind of like the beach". Ohhhhh......I guess we read the ad wrong then...... The entire house was leaning towards the water and as I made my way through the second floor I had to walk "uphill" to the back of the house. Hmmmmm.....so far, this was not going quite like we planned. So, we quickly retreated, and after multiple other Griswold moments (including trying to kill some time at a nearby playground and almost getting struck by lightning as a tropical storm rolled in), we found probably the dirtiest motel (yes, I said "motel") room on the lake and made camp for the night. It was comforting to find a "gently used" glue trap below my pillow....I at least felt like the hotel management was trying to do something about the pest problem....

Day #2 brought just as much drama but in a very different way. We drove up and down the western side of the lake all day trying to find a new place to rent as we had three cars packed to the roofs and we were not going home without a fight. We pulled into a nearby lodge as we were exhausted and hungry and about to kill each other. As I stepped out of the car I could almost hear the song in my head... "Now I..........had....the time of my life........". The peppy director of the Lodge greeted us and began telling us about all the activities that the Lodge had to offer......I was barely listening as she listed off "movie night...indoor pool..midnight buffet" - I was too busy looking around at all the families that were presently staying at the Lodge. They had to be plants, there was NO way these people could be real. I looked over at the Shuffleboard court (yes, I said Shuffleboard) and Perfect Family #1 was playing a friendly pre-dinner game. I reeled around and saw Perfect Family #2 splashing each other in their own version of "Paddleboat Wars".....now my head was spinning.....was a guy carrying two watermelons going to pop out of the bushes and ask me if I could give him a hand? Were Conga lessons being offered on the south lawn? Were my sister and I going to lay in beds that were side by side that night and discuss our trouble with boys?

Fast forward to that night....as I tried to get some sleep.....my sister and my two boys and I were all sharing one room in our cabin as my sister refused to sleep in her own room as she had discovered several spider nests earlier. Suffering from arachnaphobia, she was not going to go anywhere near her room for the remainder of our stay. I think we actually slept in our clothes that night for fear of touching the bed linens. The problem was that the genius that installed the air conditioner in our cabin decided to just saw a hole in the wall and throw the unit in and not put any insulation or anything around it. The were gaping holes around the A/C and had I not been delirious and dead to the world, I probably would have woken up during the feeding frenzy that ensued. When I woke up the next morning, my family barely recognized me, my eyes were basically squished shut as I was one giant mosquito bite (oh yeah, don't leave out the spiders that decided I looked irresistible as well!)

Later on, wearing my "Off Fan Belt" (yep, I am that cool....) on the playground, we were attacked, without warning, by miniature Pterodactyls that actually drew blood. It took me days to wash the clumps of dried blood out of my poor baby's hair - it was that bad. Being partly crazy & a hypochondriac to boot, I was "Googling" Triple EEE & Encephalitis all week, convinced that I, or someone I loved, had some sort of mosquito borne illness and that person was going to be placed in quarantine. As we left the Lodge, the director yelled out "Don't forget! Wednesday night is Caribbean night! Be sure to come back" (Ummm, yeah Lady, we'll be the first ones here......I'll bring my own maracas.....)

Needless to say, we found a house and people who didn't know exactly "who" they were renting to (until it was too late - we were already in!) We are finally having a nice and relaxing vacation and we will most likely try it again next summer. Never mind, that my family has told me several times that my kids are "out of control" or that most likely we will not be "asked back" next year by the owners of the house due to my children's screaming. I have to say I will always have fond memories of this trip. My daughter has come to love counting all my insect bites and putting our Burt's Bees stick on them to give me some temporary relief. Both of my older kids have adopted crayfish and think that we are actually taking them home to live with us. And I believe the baby might think that he will be sleeping in between my husband and I until he goes to college...as he apparently climbs out of a Pak-n-Play now (we unfortunately didn't have a plan B).....

So here I sit, ready to continue on to week #2 of vacation......I'm not sure what else could happen but stay tuned......hopefully Aunt Edna won't be part of the story........

Summer Musings...

It could be the incessant rain, or the fact that I may be feeling like I need some parental training, but I find myself wondering what I could be doing better as a mom to three young children.

Over the past few days, I have been looking at various friend's "Fun in the Sun - Summer 2009" albums and I find myself not having too many of my own to post or even share with others at this point. Yes, we are only a few weeks into the summer but if I had to name this summer so far it would be called 'The Summer That My Kids Decided They Don't Care to Listen To A Word I Say" or "The Summer I Looked Into Behavior-Themed Day Camps For My Children".

Don't they have an aisle in Barnes & Noble for this problem? I swear I have seen people crouching amongst "those" shelves as I walk by sipping my Chai Tea latte looking for the latest "teen" thriller.... (snickering to myself and lamenting that THOSE parents must not know the first thing about raising children or they wouldn't need a book...)

Well people, the time has come for me to buy up that aisle in full, in fact, I think I'll visit amazon.com later tonight and purchase anything with the keywords "Behavior Modification" or "How to Turn Your Kids Into Robots"......obviously I'm kidding, but you catch my drift......

I have a Facebook account and I love checking in multiple times during the day to see what people are up to etc. Many times, it's mom friends who are posting things like "Making homemade brownies with the kids - we are having so much fun licking the bowl together - LOL!" or "The kids buried me in the sand today and I lost my car keys - guess we are sleeping on the beach tonight - LMAO!" Most of my status updates involve booze, my lack of exercise or the fact that my kids have worn a spot in the carpet on the stairs because the "timeout fairy" has visited us again (you have to put a cute spin on it or people will think you are a monster) ...maybe this is part of my problem.....

So.....my husband and I just put the kids to bed (finally!), after multiple discussions about what things they "lost" today due to bad behavior and I have vowed to start over again tomorrow. I will try not to raise my voice before 10:00 a.m., we'll do a few worksheets together and then maybe we'll make a giant poster that counts down the days until school starts again.......now that sounds like a plan.......

I'm waiting for the nominations to come in........

So, as I have mentioned MANY MANY times before.....I think I am definitely a candidate for "Mom of the Year" - not the one many people think of when they hear this term....you know who & what I'm talking about...that Mom who always has the clothes laid out the night before, lunches made and you see her at school drop off and she looks like she just came straight from the salon (you know when your hair stylist blows your hair out and you look like a million bucks for almost 24 hours...)...THAT Mom........

The "Mom" I'm talking about is more of a mom like me (kind of like at the Oscars....most people are waiting to see who won "Best Actor" because that is the most prestigious award......my award would be more like the one for "Best Original Dramatic Score" or something like that....) - just trying to get everyone on the same page here....

As I sit here writing this, I have just put the baby down for a nap in a swim diaper, yes I said it, a freakin' swim diaper.....why you ask? That's all that is available here right now....and what did my two older kids just have for lunch? The same thing they had for breakfast - duh! We have double breakfast around here - it gives the kids lots of carbs and an amazing sugar rush that usually ends in simultaneous meltdowns, it's a beautiful thing.....

It is only mid-June, school is winding down for my oldest, she only has one day left and my kids are already exclaiming that "They are very bored and their toys are for babies and they want to do something fun..." It might sound like I have a bunch of brats under my roof, and that might be true every so often....I think it's more a combination of the monsoon-like conditions outside and the fact that if I have to build one more Lego car I am going to go postal....seriously, don't be surprised Townspeople (you know who you are) if you hear of some whacked out chick on top of the Bell Tower with a semi-automatic weapon....or maybe a Nerf gun (cuz' that's all I really carry...)

I sit here wondering how I am going to get through two more months of summer when summer has only just begun, how am I going to not look like the crazy mom at the pool who can't control her kids? I am trying to be optimistic and figure out how I will manage but I truly believe this will be the toughest summer I have had since I decided to have kids......

I just warmed up my coffee in the microwave for the 4th time this morning and it is after lunch, I'm sure most people with kids at home have already done their meal planning for the week, played rainy day games and managed to iron their husband's shirts......all with a smile on their face of course.....

Me? I'll be lucky if I get to that mid-afternoon karate lesson with everyone in clothes that don't resemble pajamas.......Maybe I SHOULD just give in and let my kids do something they want to do....so far they have suggested taking all of the ingredients out of the cabinets and seeing what recipes they can invent (that sounds like a lot of fun for me!) or play with the neighbors chickens (more fun for me, not so much for my nice neighbor).......wow, being "Mom of the Year" is a lot of work, so many decisions to make.....

Time to declutter....

I was wondering today, that if I made a phone to call to 1-800-GOT-JUNK, and asked them to come and take away my junk, how much would it cost?

I'm not talking about the baby Excersaucer that my son has long outgrown that is stuffed in the rafters of our garage or the extra large Rubbermaid tote in the basement full of placemats for all the seasons (you never know when you'll be entertaining and have to pull out 10 leaf-shaped placemats for your "Welcome Spring" party.....) - I'm talking about my trunk - the one on my body - and boy, does it have junk........

I "acquired" most of this junk by having three kids but I can't blame it all on them.....I blame most of it on two men in my life, one named Ben...the other Jerry.....seriously, can they stop coming up with flavors that scream out to me when I walk by the frozen foods? The other day I was shopping and I SWEAR that pint of Chunky Monkey said to me "I will make your hour of hell at Pilates class worth it....you can come home and justify eating the entire pint...."

So, here I am, with a "full" trunk, wondering how I am going to get into this damn dress for this wedding reception I am attending in a few weeks......you may think I am exaggerating but last week my daughter asked me if "all moms had big butts?" That was the kicker..........something had to be done......

Today, I made a commitment with three other friends to start a 6 day cleanse on Sunday.....it scares me to think of how toxic my body really is........I mean, what's still hiding in there? Is it booze? Is it those sausage & pepper sandwiches that you can buy at Yawkey Way? Does having pizza & beer every Friday have something to do with it?

Well, if the cleanse doesn't work maybe I'll make that call or invest in some "Super Spanx" or something....I believe Fergie said it best when she said "What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside your trunk?..." Too bad there aren't any brothers that I'm driving crazy.......(damn you Fergie...I'm working on it.....)

How to look like the town drunk....or just act like one.....

Need to make some new BFF's? Not enough drama in your life that you feel you need to create some more? Here is a PROVEN METHOD for getting the most out of your "night out" sans kids....

1. Attend an old friend's Birthday party and have two vodka drinks before even leaving the house while telling yourself you'll eat dinner AT the party

2. Arrive at the party with more vodka in hand explaining that you weren't positive there would be enough to drink there and you wanted to be sure there was enough for your "special" birthday cocktails

3. Bring your camera and once you are more at ease with your surroundings, start taking pictures of the attendees, even if you don't know them.... if it's a group of guys, don't be embarrassed by telling them to "smoosh together" and "put their arms around each other" - they will be totally comfortable with that.

4. Start drinking the punch and announce to anyone who will listen that you think it's "Placebo Punch" and there must not be any alcohol in it.

5. Make your own cocktails and ask anyone around you who looks the slightest bit interested if they want one, pay no attention to those who pour it down the drain, it's still a good drink in your eyes.

6. Keep taking pictures while shouting "Facebook!" - you will surely be a hit, especially with those who have decided to secretly smoke butts that night and you have now captured it all on film.

7. To the person who remarks that you "must have really liked those nachos" in front of your old boyfriend.....smear some bean dip on their butt and then ask them out loud if they are feeling ok?

7. Decide that Quarters will surely be a fun game and play it with a vodka drink, after all, you haven't done THAT before......

8. Call your designated driver and ask him if he will come back and pick you all up? After all, that's what we did in high school right?

9. Keep announcing out loud that the party is "SO funny, because it's like 1/2 high school, 1/2 people from town", even when people start moving away from you. You think it's funny, so that's all that matters........

10. Take off your shoes while you are waiting for your ride in the driveway and try and jump up and click your heels together, don't worry if there is broken glass or anything, you won't feel a thing. (Until the next day, you might have to ask someone to pull the glass out of your toe...)

11. Tell your driver that you LOVE Jeeps, the entire time that he is driving you home and yell in his ear and tell him all about that fact that you had a Jeep in high school, and BOY, do you miss those days.....

12. Overpay your babysitter when you get home....hmmm, let's say $60 for about 3.5 hours.......

13. Try and lay down immediately without getting ready for bed and then throw up until the next night at about 6:00 p.m. - you should feel like you have alcohol poisoning the entire next day and it may seem like you are back in the dorms except now you have to change poopie diapers and help your husband get the kids ready for Tee Ball.

14. The best part about this whole thing....you get to listen to your husband say for the next 24 hours, "Maybe playing Quarters with Vodka wasn't such a great idea, huh?" (Awesome observation hon!)

15. This obviously isn't "Foolproof" - you may have to tweak it a bit to make it work for your event....another thing you can also do that's really cool is make a lot of promises like "I am going to make a photo album documenting this event", "Can you sign me up for the 5:00 a.m. boot camp that you are doing?" or "I would love to do that Colon Cleanse with you....!"

Is there a "restart" button somewhere....?

....If you know where I can find this button, please let me know....

I have a very embarrassing thing to admit but I thought if I wrote it here then it would be something that I could avoid no longer and I would be forced to tackle this problem......

I just sorted my laundry (luckily it's in the basement) and I have close to 18 loads....I am not exaggerating, I am not attempting to be dramatic, it's a just a simple fact - I have 18 loads of freakin' laundry to do.  I figured out that if I try and conquer two full loads a day it will take me over a week to get this all done.  But, wait - I have to add in the one load a day that my family generates - my daughter changes her clothes about three times a day, my middle son still has some sort of "accident" and I have a toddler that loves to stomp in muddy puddles and is generally ignored when he has a full diaper (hey - he's #3 - it happens.....), my husband wears a "work" outfit and a "relaxing, hand down the pants, drink a beer, while watching TV" outfit, and I think I am the only one who wears something more than once.  Oh yeah, then there's the dog......

So, that all factored in, I will probably not catch up until about a month from now.......  Who finds themselves in this predicament besides me?  I'm sure most people stay on top of their laundry and have only a load a day or have some sort of really organized  "Laundry Wednesdays" or something queer like that....

Well, now it's official, I have "come out of the closet" with dirty laundry in hand and I am going to overcome this.  I know you are all dying to know what the outcome is so I'll keep you posted..... Then maybe I'll start working on having food in the pantry and fridge so my family has something to eat once in a while, I don't want to push myself too hard though, one thing at a time...........

My NOT so glamorous life......

My alarm goes off at 6:25 a.m......it hurts, it hurts bad.....I have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer in college and drinking late into the evening before your 8 a.m. class is a BAD idea......

I unwillingly get out of bed, proceed to stab the bottom of my foot on a star-shaped plastic block and hit snooze...I should have stopped at the three margaritas I had while I was out to dinner with "that crew" as my husband calls them...with love of course... These girls can drink me under the table and function the next day whether it be getting their kids off to school or going to their jobs, and I, apparently cannot.   (I actually saw a "camo" fanny pack that holds six beers on "The Ellen Show" this morning that is for sale on eBay that I will be purchasing for each of these girls on their birthday....but, I digress.....)  Why did I think that a "night cap" when I got home would make things more fun?  I need my head examined.....

I woke up this morning in a rather foul mood and realized I had two lunches to make, snacks to pack, a dance recital rehearsal to get ready for and a 5 year old birthday party happening tomorrow which I had no supplies for, and I had to volunteer in my daughter's classroom....this was not going to be a good day.  I also had very few clean clothes which is becoming a common occurrence at my house.  I pulled on my clothes from last night (before you get TOO grossed out, I didn't throw up in them or smoke, so I figured they would be fine) and left for my first destination wearing my slippers, which feel like shoes, so I had to go back home before my second stop.  

When I arrived at my daughter's school to volunteer I realized I must have dragged my sleeve in guacamole and beans last night so I walked down the hallway picking & flicking off anything that looked like food on the sleeve of my sweater.  Ok, now you can say "gross" - seriously, I need help.  Now keep in mind, if I ever saw someone doing that I probably would be the first to throw up in my mouth.

The sad thing is, not much has changed since college, except for the fact I have three kids and a house payment.  I still go out when I feel like it without even checking what may be occurring the next day (i.e. an exam or events) and I still hit snooze when I feel like it, hey, I can shower later, right?

I also realized when I came home from being out all day and seeing at least 25 - 30 parents in town that I had makeup on my shirt, kind of like when you go to try on that really cute top in the Gap and someone has left their entire face on it and there are no more in your size.......yep, it looked like that.  People must wonder what rock I climbed out from under.....or maybe they really don't care......

(This rambling is dedicated to the "Recycling Sistas" - you know who you are...after all, you found out my "dirty little secret"......)

Other uses for a bathing suit.....

Do you ever take a good look around and realize that you have no clean laundry...?

Well, maybe this has never happened to YOU (or you don't want to admit it)...but it happens here a lot! We live out of laundry baskets that are lined around our room like soldiers at Buckingham Palace - they don't move, they just get tossed around on a daily basis and more is added to them when ever I get around to it.

This week I found myself running out the door for school drop off with a bikini bottom on under my jeans...whenever I do things like this I pretend that it is extremely embarrassing, especially if someone figures it out...but I usually come clean, I have no poker face and I usually share just a little too much with everyone around me. Now, on this day, no one in the whole town knew (or cared) that I was wearing bathing suit bottoms. As usual, I felt it was my duty to let everyone know who I came in contact with on that day that I was in fact a mom in desperate need of some sort of an "Alice". Those damn Bradys, they didn't even realize how good they had it; their laundry was always clean, they had dinner on the table promptly at 5:00 p.m....who even lives like that in real life?

I have to admit that the bathing suit wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I kept it on for the whole day even as I proudly completed one whole load of wash through the ENTIRE cycle. So, there is hope for moms out there who seem to have no undergarments clean on a particular day, just reach into the bathing suit drawer and pull out an old bikini = problem solved! I rarely even wear a bathing suit anymore, I prefer, after three kids, to tying a black Hefty bag around my body and sunning myself in that......I have to admit I am a bit jealous of those Ranch of Zion ladies - they get to SWIM in those dresses! I wonder if they have a website...........