When a spray tan goes wrong.......

You know when you think you have a REALLY good idea and then something in the plan foils and you think afterward, what exactly was going through my head?  Well, I recently did this very thing and had to "live" with the consequences....I mean "try and party" with the consequences......

My friend and I, let's call her "Nicole" were hanging out for the day as it was MY job to keep her out of the house for the day while our other friends and her family got ready for her surprise 40th birthday party.  We had a great lunch, talked and laughed as we usually do.  Then, as we were leaving lunch and headed back to our "destination" that we were going to spend the rest of the day at, we got this super cool idea!  Spray tan!!!!  ("Yay!  We'll look like we have a nice 'glow', it will be awesome, we'll feel so much better about ourselves, blah, blah, blah.....")

Now, I am probably THE whitest person you will ever meet, seriously, not kidding...  Some claim my skin actually turns a light shade of green in the winter due to my Irish descent.  Nicole on the other hand has some Spanish in her family tree, making her skin a little more olive, even when we are deathly pale in the good ol' Northeast winter.

So, we make a few calls and decide to go to our small, little downtown shop (population in our town in so low that you can actually play "6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon" on a daily basis and then you realize you're married to your best friend's neighbor's cousin, or something like that.)  I'm not saying that our little town doesn't have wonderful things to offer and great small businesses, I just think when you decide to make a "cosmetic" change, do some research first.  I mean, when I finally go and get my first liposuction, I'm not going to ask someone in the pizza shop to do it....right?

So, Nicole and I get an appointment immediately (this should have been our first warning sign) and we drive on over.  We wait for our "spray tanning consultant" to arrive, meanwhile we are both silently questioning whether we should be doing this on the DAY of the party, but we proceed anyway.  Our judgement was clearly clouded and I think we were already drunk or something because we both proceeded into the "booth" and stripped down like someone was offering us a fistful of $1 dollar bills.

Now, my second concern should have been when the "consultant" said to me, "I think you'll be able to handle 2 coats, but you're just really, really 'fair'....."  I should have stopped her right there and said "Excuse me please, but when you say "handle" what exactly are you referring to?"  But no, again I was thinking of sun bronzed skin + really cute outfit = great start to a party, right?

I emerged from the booth ecstatic and then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while "Nicole" was rolling around on the couch like she was having a seizure.  I was horrified....there stood and girl with the face of a pumpkin, nothing bronzed about it...  Right then, I should have put a candle in my mouth and ran around town yelling "Trick or Treat"!

We got into the car, I was almost in tears (I say almost because our "consultant" yelled after us; "No water on your faces girls, or your hands, or anywhere on your body for at least 24 hours, you'll STREAK!!!!"  Well, thank you for telling me that BEFORE the spray tan!  Does this woman not know I'm Type A, bordering on OCD?  I wash my hands at least 100+ a day!!!  So, I couldn't cry, I tried to tell my friend I could not attend her party, but obviously that was not an option, so we drove home, laughing (kind of) and trying to keep our arms up in the air as our armpits were starting to stick together......

I'll skip to the party and tell you the moral of this story as I'm sure now you get the picture....

First, the moral of the story:  DON'T GET A SPRAY TAN ON THE DAY OF YOUR EVENT, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE MAGDA FROM "SOMETHING ABOUT MARY"....If you don't believe me, try it, then I can say, "I told you so...."

So, my "friend" Nicole is the one who coined my nickname for the night "Magda".... I also received some wonderful other comments:

From the bartender (also, a supposed "friend"): "Do you want an orange drink to go with that orange?"
From some really funny "friends":  "Ya mon, how was Jamaica mon?"
From another "friend":  "You could pass for an Oompa Loompa, but a cuter version"  Gee, thanks.....
From some nicer patrons: "Wow, did you go away this week?"
From my friend "S" who never says an unkind word: "Don't listen to anyone here, you have a nice healthy glow..."
From my babysitter to her mother after I got home and she saw me: "Why is she orange?"

So, you see, nothing good comes from a spray tan.  At least a spray tan you get on the day of, and you haven't exfoliated and done any research or asked people for some referrals.

The funniest part about it?  I'm not a spontaneous person.  I have a planner that is all planned out until 2014.  I sleep with under my pillow for God's sake as it one of my prized possessions, besides my family of course.

So, I guess I all I can say about this weekend is that my "inner and outer" Magda came to life.  I should have been carrying around a white nasty dog in a body cast and had a cigarette dangling from my lips, but alas, all I had was the orange body.

So, let this be a lesson to everyone reading this......unless you want to be DAMN sure everyone will remember YOU at a certain event....even years later...




{Photo credit: "There's Something About Mary", used without permission from Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation}

Wasting Time 101

I'm starting a homeschool class titled 'Wasting Time 101" for anyone interested.  Although, I suspect in these parts, no one would show up (without a bag over their head so they couldn't be identified).  Time wasting is not something most people admit to.....it can be embarrassing, especially when you're a stay at home mom and you admit to not dusting, de-crusting, or whatever the hell it is we are exactly supposed to be doing on a daily basis.

I'm actually giving myself a "Get Out of Jail Free" card this week as I am sick and I have been a taxi cab service for the past few days.  "Living Out of Your Car 101" will be my next post, so more on that later....

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I have very "active" Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest accounts, to name a few.  Am I ashamed?  A little......  Facebook is really for my babysitters to communicate to each other on whether or not the captain of the football team is asking them to prom or who they're hangin' with at the moment, Twitter is for people who love hashmarks and bigger causes than my own (see Girl Scout Cookies & Band Raffles) and Pinterest is for visionaries, dreamers and people who can actually make it happen, which I never will, I just like to look like I have all these plans but in reality I'm watching "16 and Pregnant" or "Toddlers & Tiaras" while I "Pin".........

I actually am jealous of all the moms I know who have these amazingly clean and organized homes, who can cook a decent meal at night and it's ready to go when everyone's hungry and who can put a "To Do" list together and actually shower, get dressed, get in their car and execute every day (see? that just tires me out typing that much...)

What I think I need to do is take a "technology break" (this scares me just thinking about it), but it really is necessary.  Just this morning my 4 year old came up to me wanting me to tie ribbons up and down his arms as he was so bored because I was busy having a mock political debate on Facebook, something I'm not very good at and don't really like to get involved in.  So, I probably should have closed up the ol' MacBook and starting the ribbon tying instead of saying to him, "Keep trying, you're getting really good at doing that yourself!"

I found a good article titled "8 Simple Ways To Take A Technology Break" and I think I'm going to read it and I think I'm going to try it for at least 24 hours.......(note: "think" being the key word here)

Perhaps then, my poor husband can come home and not eat out of a can or the freezer and my kids will actually start growing properly because I've provided them a nutritious meal.  Maybe we will stop rooting through the dirty clothes basket because mom forgot to wash the uniform AGAIN!  Clothes will be laid out the night before, breakfast will be on the table and we will saunter out to the bus stop rather than sprint full speed to the car with clothes half on.  The dry cleaning will be hung in the closet, shelves will be labeled, and I will knit dog booties for my Lab so her feet don't get too cold in the snow......

So "I'm going black" (2 days late but it still counts in my head) and I'm referring to technology here for all you smart asses out there.....

(Hmm....wonder if anyone has a board on Pinterest dedicated to this....?)

{Photo credit to Dumb Little Man's Article "8 Simple Ways To Take A Technology Break"}