How to look like the town drunk....or just act like one.....

Need to make some new BFF's? Not enough drama in your life that you feel you need to create some more? Here is a PROVEN METHOD for getting the most out of your "night out" sans kids....

1. Attend an old friend's Birthday party and have two vodka drinks before even leaving the house while telling yourself you'll eat dinner AT the party

2. Arrive at the party with more vodka in hand explaining that you weren't positive there would be enough to drink there and you wanted to be sure there was enough for your "special" birthday cocktails

3. Bring your camera and once you are more at ease with your surroundings, start taking pictures of the attendees, even if you don't know them.... if it's a group of guys, don't be embarrassed by telling them to "smoosh together" and "put their arms around each other" - they will be totally comfortable with that.

4. Start drinking the punch and announce to anyone who will listen that you think it's "Placebo Punch" and there must not be any alcohol in it.

5. Make your own cocktails and ask anyone around you who looks the slightest bit interested if they want one, pay no attention to those who pour it down the drain, it's still a good drink in your eyes.

6. Keep taking pictures while shouting "Facebook!" - you will surely be a hit, especially with those who have decided to secretly smoke butts that night and you have now captured it all on film.

7. To the person who remarks that you "must have really liked those nachos" in front of your old boyfriend.....smear some bean dip on their butt and then ask them out loud if they are feeling ok?

7. Decide that Quarters will surely be a fun game and play it with a vodka drink, after all, you haven't done THAT before......

8. Call your designated driver and ask him if he will come back and pick you all up? After all, that's what we did in high school right?

9. Keep announcing out loud that the party is "SO funny, because it's like 1/2 high school, 1/2 people from town", even when people start moving away from you. You think it's funny, so that's all that matters........

10. Take off your shoes while you are waiting for your ride in the driveway and try and jump up and click your heels together, don't worry if there is broken glass or anything, you won't feel a thing. (Until the next day, you might have to ask someone to pull the glass out of your toe...)

11. Tell your driver that you LOVE Jeeps, the entire time that he is driving you home and yell in his ear and tell him all about that fact that you had a Jeep in high school, and BOY, do you miss those days.....

12. Overpay your babysitter when you get home....hmmm, let's say $60 for about 3.5 hours.......

13. Try and lay down immediately without getting ready for bed and then throw up until the next night at about 6:00 p.m. - you should feel like you have alcohol poisoning the entire next day and it may seem like you are back in the dorms except now you have to change poopie diapers and help your husband get the kids ready for Tee Ball.

14. The best part about this whole thing....you get to listen to your husband say for the next 24 hours, "Maybe playing Quarters with Vodka wasn't such a great idea, huh?" (Awesome observation hon!)

15. This obviously isn't "Foolproof" - you may have to tweak it a bit to make it work for your event....another thing you can also do that's really cool is make a lot of promises like "I am going to make a photo album documenting this event", "Can you sign me up for the 5:00 a.m. boot camp that you are doing?" or "I would love to do that Colon Cleanse with you....!"

Is there a "restart" button somewhere....?

....If you know where I can find this button, please let me know....

I have a very embarrassing thing to admit but I thought if I wrote it here then it would be something that I could avoid no longer and I would be forced to tackle this problem......

I just sorted my laundry (luckily it's in the basement) and I have close to 18 loads....I am not exaggerating, I am not attempting to be dramatic, it's a just a simple fact - I have 18 loads of freakin' laundry to do.  I figured out that if I try and conquer two full loads a day it will take me over a week to get this all done.  But, wait - I have to add in the one load a day that my family generates - my daughter changes her clothes about three times a day, my middle son still has some sort of "accident" and I have a toddler that loves to stomp in muddy puddles and is generally ignored when he has a full diaper (hey - he's #3 - it happens.....), my husband wears a "work" outfit and a "relaxing, hand down the pants, drink a beer, while watching TV" outfit, and I think I am the only one who wears something more than once.  Oh yeah, then there's the dog......

So, that all factored in, I will probably not catch up until about a month from now.......  Who finds themselves in this predicament besides me?  I'm sure most people stay on top of their laundry and have only a load a day or have some sort of really organized  "Laundry Wednesdays" or something queer like that....

Well, now it's official, I have "come out of the closet" with dirty laundry in hand and I am going to overcome this.  I know you are all dying to know what the outcome is so I'll keep you posted..... Then maybe I'll start working on having food in the pantry and fridge so my family has something to eat once in a while, I don't want to push myself too hard though, one thing at a time...........

My NOT so glamorous life......

My alarm goes off at 6:25 a.m......it hurts, it hurts bad.....I have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer in college and drinking late into the evening before your 8 a.m. class is a BAD idea......

I unwillingly get out of bed, proceed to stab the bottom of my foot on a star-shaped plastic block and hit snooze...I should have stopped at the three margaritas I had while I was out to dinner with "that crew" as my husband calls them...with love of course... These girls can drink me under the table and function the next day whether it be getting their kids off to school or going to their jobs, and I, apparently cannot.   (I actually saw a "camo" fanny pack that holds six beers on "The Ellen Show" this morning that is for sale on eBay that I will be purchasing for each of these girls on their birthday....but, I digress.....)  Why did I think that a "night cap" when I got home would make things more fun?  I need my head examined.....

I woke up this morning in a rather foul mood and realized I had two lunches to make, snacks to pack, a dance recital rehearsal to get ready for and a 5 year old birthday party happening tomorrow which I had no supplies for, and I had to volunteer in my daughter's classroom....this was not going to be a good day.  I also had very few clean clothes which is becoming a common occurrence at my house.  I pulled on my clothes from last night (before you get TOO grossed out, I didn't throw up in them or smoke, so I figured they would be fine) and left for my first destination wearing my slippers, which feel like shoes, so I had to go back home before my second stop.  

When I arrived at my daughter's school to volunteer I realized I must have dragged my sleeve in guacamole and beans last night so I walked down the hallway picking & flicking off anything that looked like food on the sleeve of my sweater.  Ok, now you can say "gross" - seriously, I need help.  Now keep in mind, if I ever saw someone doing that I probably would be the first to throw up in my mouth.

The sad thing is, not much has changed since college, except for the fact I have three kids and a house payment.  I still go out when I feel like it without even checking what may be occurring the next day (i.e. an exam or events) and I still hit snooze when I feel like it, hey, I can shower later, right?

I also realized when I came home from being out all day and seeing at least 25 - 30 parents in town that I had makeup on my shirt, kind of like when you go to try on that really cute top in the Gap and someone has left their entire face on it and there are no more in your size.......yep, it looked like that.  People must wonder what rock I climbed out from under.....or maybe they really don't care......

(This rambling is dedicated to the "Recycling Sistas" - you know who you are...after all, you found out my "dirty little secret"......)

Other uses for a bathing suit.....

Do you ever take a good look around and realize that you have no clean laundry...?

Well, maybe this has never happened to YOU (or you don't want to admit it)...but it happens here a lot! We live out of laundry baskets that are lined around our room like soldiers at Buckingham Palace - they don't move, they just get tossed around on a daily basis and more is added to them when ever I get around to it.

This week I found myself running out the door for school drop off with a bikini bottom on under my jeans...whenever I do things like this I pretend that it is extremely embarrassing, especially if someone figures it out...but I usually come clean, I have no poker face and I usually share just a little too much with everyone around me. Now, on this day, no one in the whole town knew (or cared) that I was wearing bathing suit bottoms. As usual, I felt it was my duty to let everyone know who I came in contact with on that day that I was in fact a mom in desperate need of some sort of an "Alice". Those damn Bradys, they didn't even realize how good they had it; their laundry was always clean, they had dinner on the table promptly at 5:00 p.m....who even lives like that in real life?

I have to admit that the bathing suit wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I kept it on for the whole day even as I proudly completed one whole load of wash through the ENTIRE cycle. So, there is hope for moms out there who seem to have no undergarments clean on a particular day, just reach into the bathing suit drawer and pull out an old bikini = problem solved! I rarely even wear a bathing suit anymore, I prefer, after three kids, to tying a black Hefty bag around my body and sunning myself in that......I have to admit I am a bit jealous of those Ranch of Zion ladies - they get to SWIM in those dresses! I wonder if they have a website...........

I'm burned out......

I am snapping at everyone.  While I was just typing this I yelled at my daughter to "Please give me two seconds to myself!" or something like that ( I think what I actually said was a lot meaner...but at least I said please?)  I think I yelled at everyone before school today, even the baby.  I had to call my husband and apologize to him at work for being a beast...wow, I am a real treat to be around right now.

I had friends over for coffee this morning and they all unanimously agreed that I need to have some sort of mental health day soon......I concur.  I think this is important for several reasons:

1. I need to clear my head and appreciate what I have.

2. I need to stop going to bed feeling guilty every night because I was a bad mother that day.

3. I need to rejuvenate my body - my physical health is deteriorating right now as I am not taking care of myself which then trickles down to my family and pretty soon we are all eating Elios and Pop Tarts for dinner.

4. I need to keep the friends I have.  I love the different groups of moms that I hang out with.  Right now, I think I would actually "break up with me" if I was my friend.  I had one of my friends actually put her hand on my shoulder today and ask me if everything was alright and then she calmly suggested that I sit down because I was making everyone nervous.

Being a mom is tough, in my opinion, being a stay at home mom is just as difficult as having a job in corporate America - I've done both so I feel like I have the right to say that.  

So now that I have blog-vented (saves my mom from yet another phone call), I think I'll apologize to my kids (again) and go take some deep breaths (again) and enjoy a glass of wine before 5 o'clock (yep, again....)

And the award goes to.......

.....not me

I am not winning any awards today.  Not for "Mother of the Year" or "Most Patient Mother" or "The Mother Who Yells the Least".  I probably won't win them tomorrow either....

I guess I am having a rough week.  Things are not flowing.  My 15 month old has been clinging to my leg like some sort of baby Marsupial.  My middle son has a video game addiction.  My oldest daughter - well, let's just say that everything her teacher told me in her conference, can be directly correlated to something my husband and I aren't do correctly (how's that for mom guilt?)

Why do some weeks suck so bad?  Pardon my French, but I feel like going to bed and not getting up for the next two days.  Make that three....

I just took away an after school "sundae party" from my kids because they were kicking & slapping each other in the car.  Picture me driving down the road in my minivan with three screaming kids inside - two kicking each other and one just plain screeching.  

I was so excited for sundaes today - I really needed one - my thighs & butt didn't need one, but my brain did......now what am I going to do?  Go back on my word?  Or let the kids do a little housework to "earn" it back?

Hmmmmm....I think I'll get out the feather duster and the Swiffer and get these kids to work, it's almost dinner time.......

I'm June Freakin' Cleaver......

....well, today anyway.

I am so proud of myself.....my better half went back to work today after 6 weeks of being home and basically being my manny, my handyman, my grocery delivery boy, my runner to Costco, my personal chef, my school bus & my ATM.....but now, all the balls are back in my court...all 3 kids are mine, I am the soccer mom that I was meant to be - I have reclaimed the title after a 6 week sabbatical!

So, I decided to try and get organized last night in preparation for the big change (well, not "the change" but you know what I mean)...OK, fine, I can't claim FULL responsibility for getting my stuff together, my therapist suggested it - so there - I am being totally honest with the hundreds of people who follow my blog~!

Today, I am less Peggy Bundy and so much more June Cleaver (note to self: I need to get an apron) - we would have been on time for school if my daughter wouldn't have held the covers over her head and screamed that she "already knew everything that they teach you in school!" and if we didn't have the last minute poop that our little friend always seems to produce when we are late leaving the house....well, you see where I am going with this.  My point is, that if I can get organized and have clothes laid out and lunches made the night before, so can pretty much anyone!  I am the last person that you would expect to have these things done more than 10 minutes before they are needed - seriously, my organizational skills have really suffered since baby #1 came along 6+ years ago......

So, lists really do help (Yay - I can finally justify my subscription to REAL SIMPLE!) and getting everything ready the night before does have its perks (Thanks Mom).  Day #1 is halfway over and I think I made this transition better than I thought I would!

Now, I'll give myself a little pat on the back and finally go and scrape the gum off my rug that no one in this house seems to know ANYTHING about......