Summer Musings...

It could be the incessant rain, or the fact that I may be feeling like I need some parental training, but I find myself wondering what I could be doing better as a mom to three young children.

Over the past few days, I have been looking at various friend's "Fun in the Sun - Summer 2009" albums and I find myself not having too many of my own to post or even share with others at this point. Yes, we are only a few weeks into the summer but if I had to name this summer so far it would be called 'The Summer That My Kids Decided They Don't Care to Listen To A Word I Say" or "The Summer I Looked Into Behavior-Themed Day Camps For My Children".

Don't they have an aisle in Barnes & Noble for this problem? I swear I have seen people crouching amongst "those" shelves as I walk by sipping my Chai Tea latte looking for the latest "teen" thriller.... (snickering to myself and lamenting that THOSE parents must not know the first thing about raising children or they wouldn't need a book...)

Well people, the time has come for me to buy up that aisle in full, in fact, I think I'll visit amazon.com later tonight and purchase anything with the keywords "Behavior Modification" or "How to Turn Your Kids Into Robots"......obviously I'm kidding, but you catch my drift......

I have a Facebook account and I love checking in multiple times during the day to see what people are up to etc. Many times, it's mom friends who are posting things like "Making homemade brownies with the kids - we are having so much fun licking the bowl together - LOL!" or "The kids buried me in the sand today and I lost my car keys - guess we are sleeping on the beach tonight - LMAO!" Most of my status updates involve booze, my lack of exercise or the fact that my kids have worn a spot in the carpet on the stairs because the "timeout fairy" has visited us again (you have to put a cute spin on it or people will think you are a monster) ...maybe this is part of my problem.....

So.....my husband and I just put the kids to bed (finally!), after multiple discussions about what things they "lost" today due to bad behavior and I have vowed to start over again tomorrow. I will try not to raise my voice before 10:00 a.m., we'll do a few worksheets together and then maybe we'll make a giant poster that counts down the days until school starts again.......now that sounds like a plan.......

I'm waiting for the nominations to come in........

So, as I have mentioned MANY MANY times before.....I think I am definitely a candidate for "Mom of the Year" - not the one many people think of when they hear this term....you know who & what I'm talking about...that Mom who always has the clothes laid out the night before, lunches made and you see her at school drop off and she looks like she just came straight from the salon (you know when your hair stylist blows your hair out and you look like a million bucks for almost 24 hours...)...THAT Mom........

The "Mom" I'm talking about is more of a mom like me (kind of like at the Oscars....most people are waiting to see who won "Best Actor" because that is the most prestigious award......my award would be more like the one for "Best Original Dramatic Score" or something like that....) - just trying to get everyone on the same page here....

As I sit here writing this, I have just put the baby down for a nap in a swim diaper, yes I said it, a freakin' swim diaper.....why you ask? That's all that is available here right now....and what did my two older kids just have for lunch? The same thing they had for breakfast - duh! We have double breakfast around here - it gives the kids lots of carbs and an amazing sugar rush that usually ends in simultaneous meltdowns, it's a beautiful thing.....

It is only mid-June, school is winding down for my oldest, she only has one day left and my kids are already exclaiming that "They are very bored and their toys are for babies and they want to do something fun..." It might sound like I have a bunch of brats under my roof, and that might be true every so often....I think it's more a combination of the monsoon-like conditions outside and the fact that if I have to build one more Lego car I am going to go postal....seriously, don't be surprised Townspeople (you know who you are) if you hear of some whacked out chick on top of the Bell Tower with a semi-automatic weapon....or maybe a Nerf gun (cuz' that's all I really carry...)

I sit here wondering how I am going to get through two more months of summer when summer has only just begun, how am I going to not look like the crazy mom at the pool who can't control her kids? I am trying to be optimistic and figure out how I will manage but I truly believe this will be the toughest summer I have had since I decided to have kids......

I just warmed up my coffee in the microwave for the 4th time this morning and it is after lunch, I'm sure most people with kids at home have already done their meal planning for the week, played rainy day games and managed to iron their husband's shirts......all with a smile on their face of course.....

Me? I'll be lucky if I get to that mid-afternoon karate lesson with everyone in clothes that don't resemble pajamas.......Maybe I SHOULD just give in and let my kids do something they want to do....so far they have suggested taking all of the ingredients out of the cabinets and seeing what recipes they can invent (that sounds like a lot of fun for me!) or play with the neighbors chickens (more fun for me, not so much for my nice neighbor).......wow, being "Mom of the Year" is a lot of work, so many decisions to make.....

Time to declutter....

I was wondering today, that if I made a phone to call to 1-800-GOT-JUNK, and asked them to come and take away my junk, how much would it cost?

I'm not talking about the baby Excersaucer that my son has long outgrown that is stuffed in the rafters of our garage or the extra large Rubbermaid tote in the basement full of placemats for all the seasons (you never know when you'll be entertaining and have to pull out 10 leaf-shaped placemats for your "Welcome Spring" party.....) - I'm talking about my trunk - the one on my body - and boy, does it have junk........

I "acquired" most of this junk by having three kids but I can't blame it all on them.....I blame most of it on two men in my life, one named Ben...the other Jerry.....seriously, can they stop coming up with flavors that scream out to me when I walk by the frozen foods? The other day I was shopping and I SWEAR that pint of Chunky Monkey said to me "I will make your hour of hell at Pilates class worth it....you can come home and justify eating the entire pint...."

So, here I am, with a "full" trunk, wondering how I am going to get into this damn dress for this wedding reception I am attending in a few weeks......you may think I am exaggerating but last week my daughter asked me if "all moms had big butts?" That was the kicker..........something had to be done......

Today, I made a commitment with three other friends to start a 6 day cleanse on Sunday.....it scares me to think of how toxic my body really is........I mean, what's still hiding in there? Is it booze? Is it those sausage & pepper sandwiches that you can buy at Yawkey Way? Does having pizza & beer every Friday have something to do with it?

Well, if the cleanse doesn't work maybe I'll make that call or invest in some "Super Spanx" or something....I believe Fergie said it best when she said "What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside your trunk?..." Too bad there aren't any brothers that I'm driving crazy.......(damn you Fergie...I'm working on it.....)

How to look like the town drunk....or just act like one.....

Need to make some new BFF's? Not enough drama in your life that you feel you need to create some more? Here is a PROVEN METHOD for getting the most out of your "night out" sans kids....

1. Attend an old friend's Birthday party and have two vodka drinks before even leaving the house while telling yourself you'll eat dinner AT the party

2. Arrive at the party with more vodka in hand explaining that you weren't positive there would be enough to drink there and you wanted to be sure there was enough for your "special" birthday cocktails

3. Bring your camera and once you are more at ease with your surroundings, start taking pictures of the attendees, even if you don't know them.... if it's a group of guys, don't be embarrassed by telling them to "smoosh together" and "put their arms around each other" - they will be totally comfortable with that.

4. Start drinking the punch and announce to anyone who will listen that you think it's "Placebo Punch" and there must not be any alcohol in it.

5. Make your own cocktails and ask anyone around you who looks the slightest bit interested if they want one, pay no attention to those who pour it down the drain, it's still a good drink in your eyes.

6. Keep taking pictures while shouting "Facebook!" - you will surely be a hit, especially with those who have decided to secretly smoke butts that night and you have now captured it all on film.

7. To the person who remarks that you "must have really liked those nachos" in front of your old boyfriend.....smear some bean dip on their butt and then ask them out loud if they are feeling ok?

7. Decide that Quarters will surely be a fun game and play it with a vodka drink, after all, you haven't done THAT before......

8. Call your designated driver and ask him if he will come back and pick you all up? After all, that's what we did in high school right?

9. Keep announcing out loud that the party is "SO funny, because it's like 1/2 high school, 1/2 people from town", even when people start moving away from you. You think it's funny, so that's all that matters........

10. Take off your shoes while you are waiting for your ride in the driveway and try and jump up and click your heels together, don't worry if there is broken glass or anything, you won't feel a thing. (Until the next day, you might have to ask someone to pull the glass out of your toe...)

11. Tell your driver that you LOVE Jeeps, the entire time that he is driving you home and yell in his ear and tell him all about that fact that you had a Jeep in high school, and BOY, do you miss those days.....

12. Overpay your babysitter when you get home....hmmm, let's say $60 for about 3.5 hours.......

13. Try and lay down immediately without getting ready for bed and then throw up until the next night at about 6:00 p.m. - you should feel like you have alcohol poisoning the entire next day and it may seem like you are back in the dorms except now you have to change poopie diapers and help your husband get the kids ready for Tee Ball.

14. The best part about this whole thing....you get to listen to your husband say for the next 24 hours, "Maybe playing Quarters with Vodka wasn't such a great idea, huh?" (Awesome observation hon!)

15. This obviously isn't "Foolproof" - you may have to tweak it a bit to make it work for your event....another thing you can also do that's really cool is make a lot of promises like "I am going to make a photo album documenting this event", "Can you sign me up for the 5:00 a.m. boot camp that you are doing?" or "I would love to do that Colon Cleanse with you....!"

Is there a "restart" button somewhere....?

....If you know where I can find this button, please let me know....

I have a very embarrassing thing to admit but I thought if I wrote it here then it would be something that I could avoid no longer and I would be forced to tackle this problem......

I just sorted my laundry (luckily it's in the basement) and I have close to 18 loads....I am not exaggerating, I am not attempting to be dramatic, it's a just a simple fact - I have 18 loads of freakin' laundry to do.  I figured out that if I try and conquer two full loads a day it will take me over a week to get this all done.  But, wait - I have to add in the one load a day that my family generates - my daughter changes her clothes about three times a day, my middle son still has some sort of "accident" and I have a toddler that loves to stomp in muddy puddles and is generally ignored when he has a full diaper (hey - he's #3 - it happens.....), my husband wears a "work" outfit and a "relaxing, hand down the pants, drink a beer, while watching TV" outfit, and I think I am the only one who wears something more than once.  Oh yeah, then there's the dog......

So, that all factored in, I will probably not catch up until about a month from now.......  Who finds themselves in this predicament besides me?  I'm sure most people stay on top of their laundry and have only a load a day or have some sort of really organized  "Laundry Wednesdays" or something queer like that....

Well, now it's official, I have "come out of the closet" with dirty laundry in hand and I am going to overcome this.  I know you are all dying to know what the outcome is so I'll keep you posted..... Then maybe I'll start working on having food in the pantry and fridge so my family has something to eat once in a while, I don't want to push myself too hard though, one thing at a time...........

My NOT so glamorous life......

My alarm goes off at 6:25 a.m......it hurts, it hurts bad.....I have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer in college and drinking late into the evening before your 8 a.m. class is a BAD idea......

I unwillingly get out of bed, proceed to stab the bottom of my foot on a star-shaped plastic block and hit snooze...I should have stopped at the three margaritas I had while I was out to dinner with "that crew" as my husband calls them...with love of course... These girls can drink me under the table and function the next day whether it be getting their kids off to school or going to their jobs, and I, apparently cannot.   (I actually saw a "camo" fanny pack that holds six beers on "The Ellen Show" this morning that is for sale on eBay that I will be purchasing for each of these girls on their birthday....but, I digress.....)  Why did I think that a "night cap" when I got home would make things more fun?  I need my head examined.....

I woke up this morning in a rather foul mood and realized I had two lunches to make, snacks to pack, a dance recital rehearsal to get ready for and a 5 year old birthday party happening tomorrow which I had no supplies for, and I had to volunteer in my daughter's classroom....this was not going to be a good day.  I also had very few clean clothes which is becoming a common occurrence at my house.  I pulled on my clothes from last night (before you get TOO grossed out, I didn't throw up in them or smoke, so I figured they would be fine) and left for my first destination wearing my slippers, which feel like shoes, so I had to go back home before my second stop.  

When I arrived at my daughter's school to volunteer I realized I must have dragged my sleeve in guacamole and beans last night so I walked down the hallway picking & flicking off anything that looked like food on the sleeve of my sweater.  Ok, now you can say "gross" - seriously, I need help.  Now keep in mind, if I ever saw someone doing that I probably would be the first to throw up in my mouth.

The sad thing is, not much has changed since college, except for the fact I have three kids and a house payment.  I still go out when I feel like it without even checking what may be occurring the next day (i.e. an exam or events) and I still hit snooze when I feel like it, hey, I can shower later, right?

I also realized when I came home from being out all day and seeing at least 25 - 30 parents in town that I had makeup on my shirt, kind of like when you go to try on that really cute top in the Gap and someone has left their entire face on it and there are no more in your size.......yep, it looked like that.  People must wonder what rock I climbed out from under.....or maybe they really don't care......

(This rambling is dedicated to the "Recycling Sistas" - you know who you are...after all, you found out my "dirty little secret"......)

Other uses for a bathing suit.....

Do you ever take a good look around and realize that you have no clean laundry...?

Well, maybe this has never happened to YOU (or you don't want to admit it)...but it happens here a lot! We live out of laundry baskets that are lined around our room like soldiers at Buckingham Palace - they don't move, they just get tossed around on a daily basis and more is added to them when ever I get around to it.

This week I found myself running out the door for school drop off with a bikini bottom on under my jeans...whenever I do things like this I pretend that it is extremely embarrassing, especially if someone figures it out...but I usually come clean, I have no poker face and I usually share just a little too much with everyone around me. Now, on this day, no one in the whole town knew (or cared) that I was wearing bathing suit bottoms. As usual, I felt it was my duty to let everyone know who I came in contact with on that day that I was in fact a mom in desperate need of some sort of an "Alice". Those damn Bradys, they didn't even realize how good they had it; their laundry was always clean, they had dinner on the table promptly at 5:00 p.m....who even lives like that in real life?

I have to admit that the bathing suit wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I kept it on for the whole day even as I proudly completed one whole load of wash through the ENTIRE cycle. So, there is hope for moms out there who seem to have no undergarments clean on a particular day, just reach into the bathing suit drawer and pull out an old bikini = problem solved! I rarely even wear a bathing suit anymore, I prefer, after three kids, to tying a black Hefty bag around my body and sunning myself in that......I have to admit I am a bit jealous of those Ranch of Zion ladies - they get to SWIM in those dresses! I wonder if they have a website...........